Which is the most difficult relationship in your life right now?
Is there one relationship that you feel isn’t working? There’s disconnection and a feeling of un-love. It’s the one relationship that feels as though it impacts on your ability to be happy with your life. And whilst it might not be a relationship that you feel part of each and every day it’s there, in the background of your life, no matter what.
It’s great to sit and notice which core relationship it might be, the one with your Mother, Father, Sister or Brother.
For me it had been my relationship with my Mother.
I always had the belief that she didn’t want me. That what she wanted was a boy and that boy was my brother. A mountain of other beliefs followed that. What I noticed was that my story about her and how I believed she saw me, impacted on my interactions with her. I didn’t feel close to her, no matter how hard I tried.
How this impacted on my other relationships
Due to the difficulties that I felt with that relationship, it also impacted on my connection with both my Father and Brother. Or should I say, disconnection. The story that I had of my Father was that he wasn’t available as he worked all the time.
With my brother I decided that I needed to be the one to fix his problems all the time. It was as if it was my duty to make his life easy, given he was the favoured one.
The problems my thinking caused me
I hadn’t realised how much of a problem my thinking was until I started to question it. What I realised is that I’ve been living in this world of feeling unloved and unworthy all of my life. It has stopped me from really connecting with my family members, let alone anyone else. It’s played out in issues in my workplace, each one a mirror of the problems I had with my Mother. In my relationship with my husband, the same thing has occurred. He has been my Mother and there has been conflict, constantly.
How things have changed now
I have now turned around the relationship with my Mother by focusing on working the beliefs I had about her. And the ones that came up whilst I was doing that. Sometimes it felt like a struggle to sit and work those thoughts. I was kind to myself and approached them as they arose, when I was ready for them. This has then had a flow on affect to all the relationships around me.
Whereas I used to find it difficult to talk to my Mother on the telephone, I now spend over an hour in real conversation, frequently. I’ve gotten out of my Brothers business. Our relationship is not one of sibling dependence nor rivalry any longer. The relationship with my Husband is very calm and we talk about issues as they arise. He does The Work too, so that helps. And, as for my Dad, well we now how deeper conversations than we’ve ever had.
Which relationship is the hardest for you? Are you willing and open to work on that relationship? What I’ve noticed is that so much of my life has shifted when I have focused on doing my Work on Mother, Father, and Brother issues.